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Midnight rants

27 August 2008 | 0:07:44 AM

Listening: Lifehouse - Come Back Down

1. People around me should know by now that I'm not good at finding things that are not mine or weren't placed by me. But why do they love asking me to find those things, and when I couldn't find it, criticism is all I ever get? Don't they learn from experience? Frankly, it's a waste of time (both mine and them).

2. Design and photography, or art in general, is a highly subjective matter. There is no right or wrong, there is no good or bad, there is no question whether it will sell or not. Or at least that's what I think. Maybe I'm wrong afterall, because apparently some missed this point. Just because I have my own design / digital imaging style that's different from others, does that automatically make me uncommercial? How many times do you see people buying and wearing stuff that you think is hideous? Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean every single people in this world think the same. Take Pancious (the pancake joint I went to last week), for example. I personally think the food tastes like crap, and the service is shitty to say the least, but both outlets are having good business. So, what does that tell ya? It's all in the selling technique baby: marketing is one hell of a tool.

3. I loathe hypocrites (and I cannot emphasise it more). It's not rocket science that I try my hardest not to be one. But alas, the world thinks differently. I'm getting really tired and sick when people keep asking me if I'm pissed ("what the hell is wrong with you?!"), when I'm completely and honestly fine. Lately I've been thinking, maybe it's the way I talk. I tend to get a little too excited when talking about certain things. So I've been reducing it as best as I can, but what do I get? Yet another "what the hell is wrong with you?!" question. I tried loosen things up a bit with small jokes, but then people would think that I can't be serious for once. It is tiring. And as the only solution seems to be that I have to turn on a little hypocrisy, ... that can't be right, can it?

4. I don't deal with criticism very well (but again, who does?? Honestly.) But that doesn't mean I can't accept one. Just don't expect I'm going down that easily, as I will question every point of that criticism if I feel that something's not right. It's pretty obvious from the top 3 rants tonight that I'm often misunderstood, and if you were me, wouldn't you want to straighten up the facts?

Note: these rants are written just to express things from my side. I've spent quite some time trying to see from others' point of view to understand why people tend to think about me the way they do (as I said, keep getting misunderstood is tiresome, and I wanna know the reason behind it). But I honestly think there aren't many who are willing to do the same for me. So I rant.

The amazing streets of Jakarta.

02 August 2008 | 20:27:50 PM

Listening: Coldplay - The Escapist

For the past three years that I've been back to Jakarta, it never ceases to amaze me how stupid the general people here can be. Idiots on the streets are nothing new, but still, at some point you'll meet one or two that would throw you off. Like I did just now.

So I went out to buy some food, and suddenly there's this dude on a stupid trail-bike came behind me who started to honk and dimmed his lights like mad. As it was a two-lane street and with cars on my right and front, I can't exactly give him what he wants. So what an idiot would do? Keep honking and playing the lights, of course! And when he finally squeezed his way, he started yelling (which is an idiot act#1 as my windows were closed and thus I cannot hear) and, idiot act #2, gave me the middle-finger.

As I wasn't exactly in a good mood, it took everything I got NOT to just hit the fucking moron off his bike and leave him bleed to death. And besides, this being Jakarta the city where everything is "fair and equal", if I did hit that poor sucker, there would be hundreds of idiot busybodies who'd try to burn me alive: obviously because I'm driving a car (and oh look, a CHINESE-INDONESIAN GIRL!) so I'm the one who's in the wrong. Oh, have I tell you that Jakarta is the "fair and equal" city???

Anyway, so what did I do? Oh I just tailed him as close as I can and honked back. I kinda wished my car has those sharp-projectile thingy. At that point I swear I didn't even care if he threatened me to a fight or whatever. I may be a Chinese-Indonesian girl, but men like him did not intimidate me. And turned out he's too chicken to even try more than waving-off his middle-finger (which makes me wonder, did the punk really know what it means?).

Maybe it's my foul mood that allowed me to let that prick got to me, and for the better part, it's nice to have an outlet to let off some steam. But still. If you want to have a taste what it's like to be surrounded by retards, just drive along the streets of Jakarta and you will get the ultimate experience.

Why is it so dark?

02 August 2008 | 16:25:28 PM

Listening: Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out

"'Cause all of the stars have faded away," they sang**, "just try not to worry, you'll see them someday." Well, right now I'm looking forward to that day - as my days lately have been pretty bleak somewhat.

Don't ask me why or how, because I don't have the answer. It's just is. For the last couple of days, I woke up with the feeling of not wanting to do anything anymore. All I want to do is lock myself inside my bedroom and never come out until this inner emotional-shit gets better. But I know I have things to do, responsibilities to work on, so I drag my ass out of the bed and start the day.

As I said, I don't have any idea on why this is happening. Life has been okay, even fun, as we went to Dufan last Sunday. And then sometime along this week, I feel like I have this huge, heavy rock on top of me. A mild, but constant pain of headache has followed soon after. But this time I don't bother to take the usual meds, as I somehow think that the pain reminds me that I'm still alive and has to do the things I need to do.

Apart from writing this entry, I haven't really talk to anyone about this. What would I say anyway, as I don't know what's going on myself? Oh well there's that one rather drunken call that was started with the intention to talk about this, but I vaguely remember that the person I called apparently didn't like that I called (for whatever reason) and so he didn't want to talk to me. So yeah, there's that.

So maybe, it's a sign and a lesson. That I have to lift that fucking stone off myself. That you can't really rely on someone.

**The lyrics of Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis.

A little reminder.

17 July 2008 | 11:07:56 AM

Listening: Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)

Found this quote while mindlessly browsing the forums yesterday (something I haven't done in a very long time). It's a blog entry from 김동완 (ie: Kim Dongwan), in which he quoted an excerpt from Lee Oi Soo's book. Decided to post it here since I can relate to this very well-said advice, and I'm sure many others would feel the same too.

세상이 변하기를 소망하지 말고,
그대 자신이 변하기를 소망하라.
세상에게 바라는 것이 많은 사람에게는,
불만과 실패라는 이름의 불청객이 찾아와서 포기를 종용하고,
자신에게 바라는 것이 많은 사람에게는,
성공과 희망이라는 이름의 초청객이 찾아와서 도전을 장려한다.
그대 인생의 주인은 세상이 아니라 그대 자신이다.

-이외수의 '하악하악' 중에...

Translation:
Don't hope for the world to change,
Hope for yourself to change.
Hoping for the world to change
Will bring about uninvited guests called discontent and failure, who will tell us to give up
Hoping for yourself to change
Will bring about welcome guests called success and hope, who will encourage us to take up challenges
The master of your life is not the world but yourself

-from Lee Oi Soo's "Ha-ak Ha-ak"...

English translation: midnightgirl13@shinhwabiz

Feelin' the love!

16 July 2008 | 12:59:08 PM

Listening: Vanessa Amorosi - Perfect

As my Facebook status said yesterday "I turned 18" LOL :P Well okay, technically I turned 25 but I'm young at heart so that's what counts, right? Damn right.

I got through my 25th birthday just fine, starting from a huge Tiramisu cake that my parents bought and the never-ending birthday wishes throughout the day from friends and family. I'm feelin' the love! Hehehe :D Thanks everyone who had birthday-hugged, called, emailed, SMSed, YMed, and left messages on Friendster and Facebook yesterday.

After work I went straight to Taman Anggrek to catch the 7PM screening of Wanted with Boh. Turned out to be a really great movie, if you're into mindless action flick like I do. Awesome, illogical-action sequences throughout the whole film. I love it!

So again, deep thank yous to all of you who have kindly remembered my birthday and took the time to send birthday greetings. July 15th, 2008 would've been just like any other day if it's not because of your messages :)